*Smashes snowflake ice sculpture over own head*
*Blows ruby-bedazzled airhorn in your face*
*Mails self to loved ones in lifesize package*
Gaudete, gaudete, it’s the holiday season! I am only a teensy bit excited for the festivities to come, so why not channel it into something productive? Like a list of online commercially available items for you to consider purchasing to stave off guilt over not having called that one dear relative for over 4 months? Rack your brain for inspiration no more, here’s the official 2019 KNOTORYUS Holiday Gift Guide!
The Official Red Table Talk Game - $33.99
(c) Red Table Talk
If your fam is all about The Discourse™ during holiday meals, why not strengthen the odds of opening emotional wounds by asking dermis-deep questions with the official Red Table Talk card game? That part!
Zadie Smith ‘Grand Union’ - $27
(c) Penguin - Random House
Living legend Ms. Smith’s first collection of short stories is sure to be a hit with the literary faction of your family and friends. If they look at you amusedly over the rim of their half-moon glasses and quiz you on the basis of your gift-giving decision, tell them the book is “a cornucopia of autofiction, formal experimentation, dystopian sci-fi, surrealism, social satire, parable and God-perspective droll reflections on creative restlessness”. Everybody say thank you, book reviewer from The Guardian! If that fails to impress, hit them with your bonus gift: the 2019 Booker Prize winner ‘Girl, Woman, Other’ by Bernardine Evaristo.
S.R. STUDIO. LA. CA. ‘Therapist’ boots - $795
These boots say: “Do not approach because I will hurt your feelings” and I bet there’s a friend or relative who comes to mind right about now.
The XX x Raf Simons patches & pin set - from €115
(c) Raf Simons x The XX
Music, but make it fashion. The chicest stocking stuffer, to be sure. Pre-order now, available on December 12 at select retailers including SSENSE, Antonioli & Galeries Lafayette.
'Illegan (2016)’ by Samia Ziadi print via Galerie No. 8 - €125
(c) Samia Ziadi via Galerie No. 8
This photography and mixed media print by French artist Samia Ziadi catches the eye as much as it makes the mind reel, and makes the ideal gift for the discerning art lover in your circle!
Billie Eilish BLOHSH T-shirt - $30
(c) BLOHSH
(c) BLOHSH
Your teenage nephew or sister are all grown up and have puce pink hair now? Win them over forever (or for fifteen minutes, at least) with an offering from Billie Eilish’ ‘BLOHSH’ merch collection. Duh.
(If you just need an excuse to dress up the toddlers in your life, check the BLOHSH Kids collection).
'Adopt' a MoMu chair - €500 or more
(c) MoMu - Fashion Museum Antwerp
This is such a considerate and original gift for any Belgian fashion aficionado: you can now ‘adopt’ a chair in the MoMu - Fashion Museum Antwerp auditorium currently being constructed. You’ll get a personalized certificate to let the gift recipient know that a chair has been adopted in their honour (engraved name plaque and all)! All you need to do is make a philanthropic donation of €500 or more, supporting the development of the educational spaces in the museum. Love!
Noah NYC scarf - €235
(c) NOAH NYC
There are scarves and there are SCARVES and this plaid cashmere specimen is the latter. A lovely gift designed by a great person.
Charlotte Adigéry ‘Zandoli’ longsleeve T-shirt - £28
(c) DEEWEE
Featuring the gorge ‘Zandoli’ EP artwork by Joëlle Dubois, this Ill-Studio designed top will elicit exuberant screeches only - which, in turn, will set mother’s nerves (even further) on edge so then the whole fam will need to do the official Charlotte Adigéry meditation to recentre themselves.
Disney Baby Yoda ‘The Child’ T-shirt - from $23.95
(c) Disney
(c) Disney
I have never seen a Star Wars film (StarHive don’t come for me – I was just never introduced to it as a kid, so one could reason you guys dropped the ball there), yet Baby Yoda from ‘The Mandalorian’ has been my constant meme companion for weeks now. Imagine the look of glee upon any SW stan’s face when presented with this T-shirt or longsleeve sweatshirt? *Your own favourite Yoda quote here insert, going to front and Google like I know any I am not*
FENTY ‘Trouble’ sunglasses - $250
(c) Fenty
Add the following card: “Happy holidays, Rihanna made this.” Be sure to cover grandpa’s ears when the recipient lets out a loud ‘Biiiiiiiitch’.
Parra x Racing Goose SIGG water bottle - €50
(c) Parra
Gift it to your cool cousin who just started running half-marathons! Or to your brother, since he likes being so damn thirsty in the comment section every time YOUR best friend drops an IG pic.
Pyer Moss x Reebok beanie - $40
(c) Pyer Moss
This gift makes the wearer’s head exclaim ‘TASTE!’ and that’s all one could hope for in this dreary world.
Tom Ford plexiglass phone case - $330
(c) Tom Ford
Because everyone has that one bougie auntie to think of. Unless you are the bougie auntie? Then add to bag, bih! Bonus: the Tom Ford initials on this phone case can also be interpreted as ‘TF you mean?’ or ‘TF you looking at?’, which is always a nice holiday message.
Danny Brown ‘UKNOWHATIMSAYIN¿’ vinyl - €20.99
(c) WARP Records
Includes a 12”x12” sticker plus the keys to the heart of any loved one with an ear for quality tunes.
Happy holidays to you and yours! Give to charity! Carpool! And always remember your family really DOES love you in their OWN WAY. Peace and blessings.
Header image: (c) @willsmith
